I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
