I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
