Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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