New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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