My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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