Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
