Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
