I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
