he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize