It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
