So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
