She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
