What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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