thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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