nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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