i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
