Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
