I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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