ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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