Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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