I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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