god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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