what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
