Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
