There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sorry my hands just texted you
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
