totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
