I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
