Im at strip club and am horny
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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