"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
