My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
