What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
