mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
