I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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