I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
