I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
