"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
