i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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