I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
