your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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