I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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