Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
