Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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