4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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