We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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