Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
