I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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