just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
