Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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