I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
