Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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