if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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