your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
