he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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