I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
