Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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