I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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