sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize