Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize