he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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