just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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