it hurts more in the daytime
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
